From a young age my mother told me: “Whatever you choose to do, you can do it.” She was absolutely convinced. (She also said that if I ever became a public figure, I should do something wearing hats because she thought they were flattering!)
These days the kind of hat I wear is more of the proverbial kind, depending on what I’m occupied with.
I have lived many lives with some distant memories of previous lives, and a glimpse into the afterlife, most recently with the dying of my mother and before that, the passing of my brother, as well as other individuals known to me.
Have I had an interesting life so far? Yes. Always wanting to do my best, but also mixed with self-doubt, and sometimes even with depression, not believing in myself. On the other hand, so full of energy, no mountains too big. I’ve been hurt too. But most of my life has been, and is, filled with love (isn’t anyone’s, as long as you let the light through?) so I feel very lucky.
I was raised by parents who had an open mind towards religion even though I attended catholic schools and we had close connections with the Sisters of Mercy at the local convent. Although we didn’t go to church other than Christmas and Easter to pay our respects to the nuns (especially to the Mother Superior) for their good hearts and service to the community.
You could say that with our somewhat catholic upbringing and having knowledge of the Bible (whether you believe in it or not) gave me a good foundation for life. There are still times that I think of passages from it.
At school, Bible classes were never popular and mostly boring – our local pastor was an old man with flakey skin who visited our school once a week. I remember seeing bits of dry skin floating down from his hands, landing like snow on my desk (not exaggerating!) so it was very off-putting!
I did my Holy Communion at the age of seven and felt spiritually elevated during the process, no doubt heavily influenced by seeing all the other kids wearing their best, and on their holiest behaviour (I wore a white dress for the occasion and had white bows in my hair).
It was that experience that really made me think about spirituality and what Jesus might have meant by saying that you ‘have to believe [in God]’. Thinking about the strange confessions to the pastor behind some kind of grate in the small, black curtained space (after straining my memory I found that my biggest sin had been to get a biscuit out of the tin without asking – I was sure that that was not meant for confessions but we were assured we were all sinners so we had to think of something), being inside that dark and cold, stone church and comparing that to the outside world, during one of our classes I challenged our pastor explaining to him that in my view, spirituality did not just exist in the church but was all around us, that it was everywhere.
This led to conversations with my mother when the Confirmation came up when I was 12. I was grateful that she let me think for myself, and decided not to receive the sacrament of initiation after careful consideration.
I felt one with the universe. At that early age I started reading about other disciplines and I remember reading about the Tao and Chinese alchemy, and other Eastern words of wisdom. On top of that, my father was into astronomy, and astrology, and was involved with the local observatory. He was also deeply spiritual and believed in spiritual energy and chemistry. I was absolutely fascinated with the moon and the planets often wondering what it would be like being there. I knew there was more to life than what the eye can see.
Needing to explore further, in my late twenties, I read the King James Version of the Bible front to back, given to me by my then landlord who happened to be the deacon of the local Baptist Church. Some time after that I read an exploration by theologist Barbara Thiering: Jesus the Man. The fact that someone had researched the history from a theology background, and acknowledging Jesus as a man (not just a character) piqued my interest and I was intrigued by the book.
There are many versions of myself that I have lived, and no doubt there will be many other versions still to occur. Life is a big wheel of transformation. We can fear the unknown, or choose to enjoy the ride and take life as it comes, steering by, where and when desired.
As my mother said when I was little: “Na vallen komt opstaan;” (“After falling comes getting up”), a Dutch proverb that has always stuck with me, feeling like a phoenix that will always rise from the ashes.
I have so many interests and am aware of many talents which can result in my tendency of doing many things at once or doing nothing at all. Most importantly I have learnt that believing in myself is my biggest strength.
The image with this story is my seven-year-old self next to a reflection of three things that play a big part in my life; they are segments of myself. One thing is clear: they are filled with energy and fuel for the future.
And no matter how many times I will revolve around the sun, I will keep growing, evolving. But my core, my spirit and my soul, will always remain the same.
- This blog was also posted on ingridvanamsterdam.com.
BiograView 